"This Is London Calling ..."

Dear Motley Crew,

Please find attached, for your perusal, a copy of the minutes for the briefing held onboard Matanuska, on 27th March, 2021. Please note that this is expected to be the final briefing before our liberation and the commencement of this year’s, much anticipated cruising season.

The meeting opened at 7.30 pm with all crew in attendance.

Crew Reports:

The Chief Engineer confirms that he has had a basic tinker with the engine and all the other mechanical bits and pieces under the deck and can assure us that everything is still where it should be, and is making all the right sounds. In addition, he reports that the flat, shiny things on Matanuska's roof appear to be charging the new batteries at a pace that will see all on-board electrical devices working to capacity.

The Forward Observation Officers report that, as far as they could tell after peering through the mist, that everything up ahead looks as good as could be expected for Spring in England. The weather forecast for our first few days of cruising is for sunny intervals and a gentle breeze, with temperatures close to 20°. We note, however, that a forecast of warmer weather and the manifestation of this reality, are two entirely different matters. We have been cautioned that the condition of the towpaths is certain to be abysmal for some time yet, and accordingly, it is strongly recommended that all crew have their wellies to hand (or foot) in preparation.

The Iceberg Watch Officers advise that all ice has now melted from the canals and that there is very little likelihood of a re-occurrence of these conditions in the approaching months. Given that their expertise will not be needed for some time, The Iceberg Watch Officers have been moved to the backbenches for a spell, where they will, however, continue to draw full pay and be allowed full privileges.

The Whisky Sounding Officer, who likes to keep a sharp eye on the weekly Tesco specials, informs us that he has managed to stock the boat with enough liquid rations to sustain the crew through the hard days ahead. He further reports that he can attest to the quality of these spirits as he has devoted a number of evenings to their evaluation.

The Chief Mate and Ordinary Seaman, with the assistance of the youngest crew members, have overseen the polishing of all things brass, the sanding and re-painting of various rusty bits, and the swabbing of all decks. Consequently, they advise that Matanuska is yar.

The Ship’s Cook, ably assisted by the Storekeeper, has spent lockdown scouring the Continent for interesting and exciting provisions. They can now report that they have crammed the cupboards with French cheeses, foie gras, and truffles, and assure us that we have enough tucker on board to see us through until the next supermarket hoves into view. Upon hearing this news, the Acting Ship’s Boy, who has previously been most vociferous re his contempt for dry biscuits and lumps of salted beef, gave a rousing cheer. This display of support did little to appease the Cook, who has a vivid memory of the Ship’s Boy’s previous unruly conduct in the galley during Lockdown Mk I.

The aforementioned Acting Ship’s Boy, who is on his last warning re recalcitrant behaviour, had nothing to report that could be repeated in polite company. His attention span having been exhausted by this time, he speedily departed the wardroom and was last seen attempting to tie tin cans onto the tail of the long-suffering Mrs Chippy.

The Bosun, who is recovering from his brush with The Virulent Virus, gave his report via Zoom from the sick-bay. Repairs have been made as necessary to the rigging, and the stern, bow, and centre ropes have been washed. He reports that the solar panels and cables are fully functioning and ready for the switch from shore-power, and all fenders, mooring chains, and pins are up to the task. Although the Bosun is on the mend, he has been ordered by the Ship’s Nurse, to take things easy for some time. We would like to extend our thanks to the Bosun for continuing to perform his duties under what have been difficult circumstances and to advise that he will not be expected to undertake bridge watch until fully recovered.

The Artillery Commander advises that all unmanned aerial systems and artillery radars have been inspected and we are well-equipped and prepared for the voyage towards the metropolis of London. All gunpowder has been safely stored below deck and the worn breech ropes in the forecastle have been replaced. In addition, it was noted that the Acting Ship’s Boy has been coaxed into the role of Powder Boy, by the promise of extra helpings of smelly cheese

The Marine Radio Officer (who submitted his report in Morse) has apparently, as far as we can decipher, checked all transmitting devices aboard and subsequently attested to their sea-worthiness. But I swear to all that is holy that if I hear the NATO phonetic alphabet one more time I will SIERRA-CHARLIE-ROMEO-ECHO-ALPHA-MIKE!!

The Historical Officer has asked for an extension of time for submission, pleading an over-whelming amount of material to be sorted and catalogued, and documented. An extension has been granted on the proviso that the completed report, including all attachments, is on The Captain’s and Commodore’s desk by Monday 29th March.

The Ship’s Nurse advises that all crew have had their first Covid jab and can expect to receive the second jab by the end of April. This fortuitous situation is a direct result of meticulous planning and co-ordination, and the crew can be assured that we have ample supplies of the vaccine to inoculate all in a timely manner. This is indeed good news and elicited a chorus of “Hear, hear.”

The Veterinary Officer has given Mrs. Chippy a sound going over and a good hoovering, and reports that she is fine fettle. As can be seen, this was not well-received on Mrs Chippy’s part and she took some persuading to get into the tub. Throughout the ensuing ablution, she made her viewpoint most apparent, and the Veterinary Officer recounted that he was lucky to survive the experience. Revenge was swift!

Finally, the Purser, who has been sitting in his counting-house, counting out the money, reports that the books, having come back from the kitchen, look to be vaguely balanced and we should make it through the year.

That being the end of the reports, The Captain and The Commadore outlined the details of the route planned for the next nine months. It was felt that, given the strictures and limitations endured over the last three months of lockdown, some recompense was in order, and so it has been decided that we should initially make our way to the bright lights and taverns of London Town.

There being no other business, the briefing closed at 8.45 pm.

The Captain, The Commodore, and Mrs Chippy